“My body hates me!” Words I’ve often repeated in response to the hormonal imbalances I’ve struggled with for the last 10 years. I’ve felt angry at my body for not healing, and ashamed of it as if my challenges were a personal failure. Living with chronic physical and mental health conditions can make self acceptance difficult – it feels like you are blocked from the life and the version of yourself that you really want to be; like so much of your life feels out of your control. So you get angry at yourself, criticize yourself in hopes it will motivate you to “get your shit together”. But it’s pretty difficult to put the effort into taking care of someone you feel angry and ashamed of.  Why would you treat yourself well if you don’t think you deserve it? Letting go of the shame and anger towards your body or your mental health is not a cure, but learning to treat yourself with compassion will allow you to face your challenges with care and patience for yourself rather than punishing yourself for things that are not always in your control. 

Compassion towards yourself in spite of your flaws creates the foundation of self trust and self esteem that is necessary for creating any sort of positive lasting change, and allows you to face the difficulties life can bring with greater ease. Once I realized that my body didn’t hate me but was doing its best to heal the problems I’d been experiencing, I realized that my body was worth taking care of. If you are living with chronic illness, taking better care of yourself can strengthen your confidence in your ability to manage the challenges you face, lessening the added mental health difficulties that often coexist with chronic illness. Treating yourself with compassion involves treating yourself with care, patience and understanding even when you are struggling or feeling inadequate. It means choosing not to turn on yourself and staying on your own team when you need support and encouragement the most. Setting realistic expectations for yourself, listening to your body and giving it what it needs, and knowing that your worth is not diminished by the problems you experience, are ways that you can offer yourself compassion while living with physical or mental health difficulties. 

Setting Realistic Expectations (Of yourself and of life) : 

An important element of self compassion is recognizing and accepting the human condition. The experience of being human comes with challenges, suffering and imperfection, and it is important to remember that you are not alone in this experience. This also means that our experience of life itself will be imperfect. The more we are able to accept this, the more we are able to be gentle with ourselves when faced with our inevitable flaws and challenges. If you are imperfect, you are doing this “human” thing perfectly! 

We often fear that acceptance will keep us stuck in a situation that we don’t want; but really, it is when we are unable to accept our circumstances that we are stuck in them. I’ll share an analogy that has helped me increase my capacity for acceptance – the ball in the pool. Imagine you’re swimming in a pool and there is a beach ball constantly floating into your space. You try to push this ball away, but it keeps coming back. You try to push it down under the water, but it comes up and hits you in the face. But if you accept that the ball will be there whether you like it or not, you will actually be able to enjoy some of your time in the pool, even if this ball inconveniently floats into your space from time to time. 

Acceptance of challenges and imperfections creates the space to focus on the things that are in your control, and allows you to set realistic goals and expectations for yourself. When we take an all or nothing approach to our health or wellness, we set ourselves up for failure and greater criticism of ourselves – we set expectations for ourselves that were impossible to sustain in the first place, which only depletes our self esteem and makes us more angry at ourselves and our circumstances. Treatment of chronic health conditions either through mainstream medicine or naturopathic approaches typically involves a new regime of habits – whether it be supplements/medication, diet, exercise, or mindfulness. Trying to add these new tasks into your routine can feel overwhelming and impossible, which only makes it more difficult to begin. This is especially true for myself and the clients I support that struggle with executive dysfunction related to ADHD.  

So how do you set realistic goals for yourself? Be on your own team from the start. Ask yourself if you would ever expect someone else to meet this expectation. If you are neurodivergent, ask yourself if you would ever expect another person that faces similar struggles to do what you are expecting of yourself. Be aware of internalized ableism that often results in an expectation of yourself to function in the same way a neurotypical or healthy person would, without consideration of your own needs or challenges. Start small. Think about what feels manageable to add into your routine – maybe it is just adding one new habit or supplement at a time. Throw out the idea that being consistent means being perfect and meeting your goal every day. There will be days, even weeks that you get off track and don’t have the energy or space to add in yet another task. Know that this is okay, and part of being an imperfect human! 

Listening to Your Body:

In our society we spend a lot of time disconnected from our own bodies. Looking to external sources to tell us what we should be doing and how we should take care of ourselves or focusing our attention on our thoughts that tell us stories about who we are and who we should be. There is so much wisdom held in our bodies about what we need, but we often turn down the volume on these cues, overriding our ability to recognize our own needs in order to focus on what we “should” be doing, or to meet others’ expectations of us. Social media has a huge influence on this, as we are constantly seeing a highlight reel of productivity and success, and limited examples of real human emotion and struggle. We form expectations of ourselves based on what we see someone else being able to achieve, and compare our abilities to others that we know very little about. For example, someone who lives with chronic illness or conditions like autism or ADHD,  may need more rest and downtime in order to prevent burnout or fatigue. Learning to listen to your own physical and emotional cues with an acceptance that you are not perfect and are allowed to have challenges allows you to build up an internal sense of trust in yourself, decreasing the need to look outside of yourself to know how to take care of yourself.

How do we start listening to our body and meeting our own needs? Start with noticing what you are feeling in an objective, neutral and non judgemental way. Noticing any sensations in your body, or becoming aware of the thoughts passing through your mind without trying to analyze them. Simply stating what you notice, either to yourself or writing them down. For example, “I notice a heaviness in my chest”, or “I am noticing critical thoughts about my body”. Utilizing Kristin Neff’s self compassion break is another great place to start (https://self-compassion.org/exercise-2-self-compassion-break/) Notice any difficult emotions or sensations in your body, recognize that it is okay to feel this way, that this is part of being human. Offer yourself comfort in the form of caring words or actions towards yourself. The more we expand our awareness of what is actually happening in our bodies, the more we are able to identify what we need. Being in our bodies can feel uncomfortable and even overwhelming at first, especially if it feels unfamiliar or if you have had experiences that have made it feel unsafe to be in your body. Focus on taking slow, deep breaths, and see how it feels to put a hand on your chest or belly. Take breaks and give yourself breaks when needed, and remember that it is okay to reach out for support! 

Remembering Your Inherent Worth: 

We live in a world that highly values productivity and appearances. Chronic illness and mental health conditions that impact the way you look or your ability to function in the busy, fast paced world we live in can result in a feeling of otherness – like you are a failure or don’t belong. When we attach our worth and value to external circumstances like how well we fit into a conventional beauty standard or how much we are able to achieve, it is easy to feel like your challenges make you unworthy or unlovable, which can deteriorate your mental health and ability to care for yourself with compassion. When you approach wellness from the perspective that you are inadequate, less worthy or lovable because of the challenges you face, you may be practicing “wellness” while simultaneously maintaining and reinforcing the idea that you are not good enough as you are. In order to treat yourself with compassion and accept the chronic conditions that you may live with, it is important to establish a belief that your worth exists because you do. It is not something to be earned through your appearance or performance. We can only care for ourselves in a sustainable way when we truly believe that we deserve it. 

How do you believe that you are worthy despite all the negative thoughts that say otherwise? Practice responding to yourself and your self critical thoughts in the same way you would respond to a friend or someone that you care about. When you think of the people that you love, is it their accomplishments, appearance or productivity levels that make them lovable? Or is it how you feel when you are with them? Why would you be any different? Give your brain evidence that you are a valuable and worthwhile person through the way you treat and talk to yourself, in order to develop and strengthen the belief that you are lovable as you are. This goes back to being on your own team. Continuing to show up for yourself with compassion and care even when you feel inadequate. Slowly and with trust in yourself and the process, you will build the ability to be compassionate to yourself in the same way you would build a new muscle. Focus on how you feel when you treat yourself well rather than on the outcome, and remember that you don’t need to be perfect in order to be worthy or lovable. You only need to be you.

Alicia is a registered social worker and psychotherapist who supports clients struggling with self esteem, trauma, ADHD, autism and mood. As someone who has lived experience in these areas and understands the cycles of shame and self criticism that come with mental and physical health conditions, her practice focuses on developing understanding, compassion and trust towards yourself. Alicia supports clients with accepting their strengths and imperfections, understanding connections between past and present, and exploring beliefs that are keeping clients stuck, in order to build a life that accommodates each individual’s unique needs and values. 

To book a free consultation with Alicia: https://fmh.janeapp.com/#/staff_member/4/treatment/2

Psychology today: https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/therapists/alicia-alessandrini-hamilton-on/1003824

Instagram: @worthyofwellnesstherapy